When I thought my business was dying

(And it kind of was)

It’s 2022, my design business is slowing to a crawl. Inquiries crash and I wonder if I even like this job anymore.

Eleven years in and my work is a well oiled machine. Project in, project out, little stress along the way. It’s all easy. And it’s getting boring. But I’m only 33, so I worry about how I’m going to keep it up when my heart is barely in it anymore.

Did I mention I’m pregnant at this point? The pressure to nurture AND provide is strong, so the timing of all this existential work misalignment feels inconvenient.

But I rely heavily on said well oiled machine and my ability to create beautiful things and it’s all okay it’s okay it’s okay.

As my baby’s due date looms closer, I sign one more project. We’ll be cutting it close, but something in me knows that it’ll work out. Actually, something in me knows that this project is something more.

Their names are Joe + Jen. They want something fun. Different. And I’m feeling more inspired. Lit up.

Jen casually mentions that she’s a Virgo Sun and Scorpio rising and Joe is a Capricorn cusp Aquarius. I instantly get excited.

Having studied astrology on the side as a hobby, it’s as if in point two seconds I know where we’re going. I know what we’re doing. And I begin to enjoy the process again. Jen and I chat astrology. Everything flows. Their brand becomes soul aligned. And I start to see what’s possible.

It’s now the end of 2022 and my baby is born. His name is Lenny. He’s got umpteen Scorpio placements and is an absolute shock to our life. I stare at him and love him and nourish him. I take a lot of time off from work, social media forgotten.

I have space. And in that space, I begin to hear the pulse of “this isn’t right this isn’t right this isn’t right.”

Slowly, it’s as if all of these truths are coming to the surface. I’m a full time mom and part time business owner. I don’t want to be the primary caretaker. I feel guilt and shame at this realization, but admit my husband is better at it.

He’s working full time and carries the health insurance though, so it is what it is. I think. My anxiety is building and I stop sleeping and we have so little help and “this isn’t right this isn’t right this isn’t right.”

The life we built no longer feels in alignment. Yes, the fundamental things are there. The strong foundation of our little family unit. A roof over our heads. Our basic needs are more than met. We have jobs. We could easily put our heads down and keep going. But I can’t. We can’t. It’s the daily rhythms that make up a life that feels wrong.

For those of you who are astrologically inclined, it is at this point that I realize transiting Pluto is conjunct my 6th house natal Sun. The transformational energy is absolutely wild. All unconscious fears are becoming conscious.

It’s now 2023. I carry the knowingness that something has got to change in my bones every single day.

I receive a new inquiry. Same same same. But I don’t want it to be and so on a whim I ask if she knows her Sun, Moon, and Rising.

I feel terrified doing this because she could easily not be into it and drop me as a designer. But she doesn’t. She replies QUICKLY with her placements and excitement that I asked.

And so I end up reading her entire chart and design her branding based on that. Once again, I have fun. Everything flows.

I start studying astrology again. I find a mentor. My understanding is deepening more than ever. I hold my baby while he sleeps and learn learn learn. I work during naps and any spare minute I can find.

By the end of 2023, I make half the amount of money I made the year prior pre kid. But I did so taking half a year off and working part time while also being the primary parent. I am hopeful. But I am also so, so exhausted.

Some of you may be wondering why we didn’t utilize childcare at this point and that’s a great question. For us, it didn’t feel right yet and we wanted to find a solution that worked for our family, hence the rest of this story.

By the time 2024 rolls around, my husband takes family medical leave and I feel immense relief. He needs it and I need it.

He’s only working 10 hours a week and taking care of Lenny a lot more. We begin healing from collective anxiety and burnout. The effects of misalignment. I start sleeping more, we go on adventures as a family, and experience how our daily rhythms could be. 

It feels like a peek into freedom.

Over the first few months of the year, we hem and haw about our options. My husband feels pulled to leave his job. We look into health insurance from the marketplace. We consider our savings. My income has never been a fixed, consistent amount, and the idea of being the only income terrifies me.

But we have what we need to safely take a leap of faith. And so we are.

As I write this, Michael has a few weeks left of work before he’s done. This summer, we begin again.

The dream? For us both to work part time and co parent fluidly. To do what we love in a way that we love. To live outside of the box and see what happens.

Interestingly, both Michael and I have Jupiter in our 10th house of career / higher calling. As we live, our planets continue to move around our birth chart and Jupiter is all about expansion.

When we were freshly graduated and 22, Jupiter came back to our 10th house and coincided with the beginning of our respective decade plus careers, which fell into place quite smoothly for each of us.

That cycle has since completed and once again, in 2024, Jupiter is back in the 10th house for the start of something new and evolved.

So here I am, blending astrology into my business. Rowan Made 2.0. I first wrote about it on instagram. I remember being so nervous to hit publish because what if people thought I was crazy?

It’s almost comical how much this evolution mirrors the start of my business in 2011. Back then, I was fresh out of college and had an inkling to start my own business out of my parent’s basement with zero idea how to do it.

Like now, I was nervous that people would think I was crazy. But my heart was louder than my fears, so I did it anyway. And what a ride it’s been.

This feels right this feels right this feels right.

PS. Writing this post gave me the idea to write a follow up on how Jupiter circles around our charts. Check back in a week-ish (or just, like, keep an eye on your inbox) to see where yours is and what that means. ✨

---